


Lady Sia has the Densest Testicular Mass out of Everyone Else |Lady Sia RETOLD!

by Victoria_Project



Series: Video Games RETOLD! [1]
Category: Lady Sia (Video Game)
Genre: 420, Auvid, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Complete, Crack, Dick Jokes, Fourth Wall, Furries, Gen, I have a weird sense of humor, I have failed to publish this on April 1, I'm theorizing that Sia is a teenager, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Incorrect Grammar, Incorrect Punctuation, Lady Sia RETOLD!, Magical Princesses, Myths RETOLD!, Ovid, Parody, SHIIIIIT, Sia has anger management issues, Sia's character is kind of exaggerated, Spoilers, Swearing, This fanfic is shit, Underage Drug Use, What Have I Done, anyway i'm just gonna spell it differently, bettermyths.com, but I can still publish chapter 2 on April 20, mostly about testicles though, not the poet but the guy who runs the site, the grammar might hurt your eyes, this work might be offensive but I don't really care
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-01-11 07:28:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18425805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Victoria_Project/pseuds/Victoria_Project
Summary: An asshole wizard threatens a magic princess with anger management issues by invading her land using his furry army. What could possibly go wrong?Spoiler Alert: Everything





	1. Lady Sia Gets KO'd!

**Author's Note:**

> The style of this work is based on the retellings on bettermyths.com. If you know nothing about the site, I insist that you read one of the 'articles' in there. I recommend this one in particular: [Alice and Her Adventures in Gaslighting](http://bettermyths.com/alice-and-her-adventures-in-gaslighting/)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get introduced to the ~~bitchy~~ headstrong Princess of Myriade

Yeah  
I decided to retell Lady Sia  
No not the annoying singer  
the [awesome GBA game](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_Sia)  
made by the awesome guys at [RFX Interactive](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/RFX_Interactive)  
or at least the plot  
I'm gonna retell it  
[Myths RETOLD!](http://bettermyths.com) style  
and that means a lot of swear words  
and lack of punctuation and correct grammar  
read:

Right so there's this fucking continent  
I don't know what to call the world this game is in but let's just assume it's a continent  
So the continent right?  
as you can guess from a fantasy story  
and according to the magic scrolling text in the beginning  
it's full of magic and peace and all wonderful shit  
but then this asshole wizard [Onimen](https://lady-sia.fandom.com/wiki/Onimen) calls bullshit on the peace  
by creating an army of furries called the [T'soas](https://lady-sia.fandom.com/wiki/T%27soa)  
and sends them to invade the world  
They start the murderin' and rampagin' in the human kingdom of Athorre  
because it's a magic world  
there are different kinds of magic species  
and those who are not magic are the weakest

So they invade Athorre  
and they devastate it so much that the guys in the magic kingdoms start shitting their pants  
or skirts  
or codpieces  
or whatever undergarment they are wearing

So the magic guys and their magic leaders are like "what do we do?  
Alliance?  
Counter-attack?  
Defense?  
Wash our undergarments?"  
But don't worry  
enter  
The Magical Princess of Myriade  
and the titular protagonist  
[LADY SIA](https://lady-sia.fandom.com/wiki/Lady_Sia_\(Character\))  
who is like "oh I got this shit handled  
howza 'bout all of you stop being pussies and help me form an army to wipe out this freak and his army of were- freaks?"

So they handle this shit in Myriade's meeting room  
and a cutscene starts here by the way  
where Sia shouts and flips the shit out of some random guard  
But Sia is not done shouting  
"If you don't do anything about this shit you guys are gonna be SLAVES" is basically what she yells  
but then this shark dude  
[POSEIDON](https://lady-sia.fandom.com/wiki/Poseidon)  
who has no relation to the Greek god except by being king of water  
and wielding a trident  
is like "princess  
how about we just use our brains and negotiate with them?"  
and Sia is like "HOW BOUT U SHUT UP?"  
and then Sia's advisor [Barthes](https://lady-sia.fandom.com/wiki/Advisor_Barthes) goes in and tells her that the T'soas are already camping outside

So naturally  
Sia is like "WHAT THE PERFECT FUCK  
okay assholes  
excuse me while I do YOUR job"  
and she storms off to kick ass  
by herself  
which is totally the opposite of her plan  
but you don't have to worry guys  
Sia is the protagonist  
and as a matter of fact  
She's got the biggest balls out of anyone in this world  
not gonna lie  
She can handle this

So Sia goes outside ready to collect some ass  
but when she gets out she's like "wait  
where the fuck are they?"  
and then a couple of T'soas appear behind some trees and one raises a stick and Sia faints  
I don't know  
it was supposed to imply that they ko'd her by hitting her head  
but the animation shows that the T'soa just raised the club  
maybe it's magic?

anyway what's actually important is that Sia is now imprisoned in Athorre  
and then this shady guy frees her  
cause Sia is a PRINCESS  
and princesses aren't fond of rescuing themselves  
she may have the capability to kick and save other people's asses  
I don't really think she is capable on rescuing her own  
I mean from like  
prison or something  
I don't think she's really the escape artist

So the shady guy frees her and probably gives her the replacement sword she's holding  
(a shitty sword apparently)  
and he's like "Hey follow me"  
and Sia follows him  
cause like there's no other way to go  
and he tells her some tutorials  
cause this is level one  
and he's like "okay princess  
the furry freaks hid your sword in the village of Algambiade and your ring in the City of Merrion."  
and he leaves her at the door and fails to introduce himself  
which is okay cause he's a minor character and Sia can take care of her own ass  
if he comes along  
she would have to take care of his ass too

So Sia escapes from jail  
beating up furries on the way  
and the shady guy fucking COMES BACK  
with more tutorials  
After Sia does some slashin' and platformin'  
and shootin' her magic balls at stuff  
(which are woefully small unlike her figurative ones)  
and freein' captive boys and girls  
The shady guy appears one last time to her  
and he's like "oh hey Sia  
the T'soas hid your sword in the village of Algambiade and your ring in the City of Merrion  
I probably already told you this but I'm telling you again for good measure"  
and he's gone  
and leaves behind the giant bird who is chained to a rock  
and Sia is like "HOLY SHIT A BIRD  
I mean I'm not[ Auvid](http://bettermyths.com/who-writes-this-shit/)  
[I'm not fucking afraid of birds](http://bettermyths.com/and-people-ask-me-why-i-hate-birds/)  
because my figurative balls are bigger than anyone else  
Hey bird  
did those anthropomorons plan to eat you?"  
and the bird doesn't talk because it's a fucking bird  
but Sia apparently understands the bird  
because she's a magic princess  
so she frees the bird and is like  
"there  
go fucking nuts and fly away"  
but it doesn't for some reason  
because if Sia can understand it  
I fucking can't  
but anyway Sia is like "ooohhhhh  
you want to come?  
That means I have to take care of your ass too  
a giant feathery bird ass apparently  
but looks like I need a transportation  
to get the fuck out of this furry-infested ruins  
and a giant bird is the closest thing I have for a transportation right now  
okay sure bird"  
and she rides that bird to the next level  
which is either Algambiade or Merrion depending on which you pick  
but let's go for Algambiade first  
where Sia's jade sword is

So she does the usual way:  
Beating the crap out of furries  
and also sneaking past them  
then she goes down a well  
which is also infested with furries  
but anyway what's important is that she recovers her cool sword  
it's cool 'cause it's jade  
need I say more?  
then she goes to the human city Merrion  
and gets her as ring quickly as possible  
'cause she hates human cities  
oh and by the way  
now that she has her ring  
she can now shoot magic balls as big as her figurative ones

So after that she finds out that the T'soas had an airport  
nice try Onimen  
do you think a heavily guarded aerial platform is going to stop a pissy princess from fucking you over?  
No  
because it was used to transport furries

So Sia goes to kick furry asses as usual  
by the way did I mention that this level sucks?  
even the music sucks  
It's like the music that would play if a suck could suck more than it can suck out of a suck that sucks all of the sucks  
wait that doesn't actually make sense  
eh whatever

So after Sia traverses the arduous acrophobic airport  
she runs into the first boss  
[PELICAN](https://lady-sia.fandom.com/wiki/Pelican)  
seriously that's his name  
just Pelican  
not Colonel Pelican or something  
and apparently this bird can talk because he's one of Onimen's horrible creations  
and also as his name suggests  
dude is a literal pelican  
but turns out he is more of a wuss than a pelican  
because after Sia's bird starts grabbing and dropping him and his crew  
he immediately surrenders  
wait  
are you telling me that this pelican can't fucking fly?  
well he's kinda fat and has short wings  
so that's that

and then Sia flies next to the Peripheral Realms  
but that  
is a story for another time

TO BE CONTINUED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~Happy ten days belated April Fools' you asinine bullheaded mooncalves.~~


	2. Sia Gathers Up Some Dudes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sia goes to the Peripheral Realms to muster an army.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry 420, jerks. While most of you might be getting stoned, I'm just here sipping my green tea while writing this and I'm hoping that tea doesn't make me a mile high.

So the last time we left our heroin  
she's kicking the T'soa army's ass with brute force  
BY HERSELF  
which made me wonder if she's actually doing it while high  
well  
CGRundertow mentioned in[ his review](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c3aHGABuu1M) that she's probably on drugs

But anyway  
it somehow occurred to her  
that it's unrealistic for a pretty princess in a skimpy skirt  
with a jade sword and a magic ring as her primary weapons  
and a giant bird as a transportation  
to beat a whole army by herself  
maybe it's actually possible  
 ~~for someone high on drugs~~  
but Sia's not gonna do it by herself  
isn't she?...

So what she does is hit up the traitors of the Peripheral Realms  
which are actually the magic leader guys  
(they're traitors because they disagreed with her and failed to help her when she got ko'd)

So first  
she hits up the shark dude  
you know  
POSEIDON  
who is like "'sup Sia  
here to apologize?"  
and she's like "what  
why do I get to apologize?  
TRAITOR!"  
and Poseidon is like "I ain't no traitor Sia"  
and Sia yells at him some more until he's like "jeez fine  
you know what?  
how about you hit my belt three times with your balls  
and then you'll be my student again."  
oh yeah Sia is actually his student  
so she's like "durr fine"  
and proceeds to hand his ass  
by hittin' that belt no problem  
and then Poseidon grants her sea powers  
and his army  
but you don't get to see the army  
dunno why

So next is this fiery old man Rafooza  
damn this guy is so pissy that he's like  
the old man version of Lady Sia  
so she goes to him and he's like "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU TANTRUM-THROWING TWANK"  
and she's like "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT YOU TRAITOROUS T'SOA TRUCKLER"  
and yells some more  
and then Rafooza gets pissed  
and Sia's like "haha who's throwing a tantrum now BITCH?"  
and Rafooza is like "well if you're that strong then FIGHT ME!"  
then they fight  
but Sia manages to cheat her way out of this  
by hitting the rock above his head  
but Rafooza considers this as being defeated  
and grants her the power of setting shit on fire  
and also his offscreen army

So next is Sia's 'friend'  
nobody in the game fucking mentions her name  
but apparently in the code she was referred to as 'Cheyenne'  
so we're gonna use that  
So Cheyenne is like "Hey sis  
I see you can fly now"  
because Sia now has a giant bird  
and also she has a sister apparently  
who has another BADASS kingdom to herself  
Did you see those magic torches  
roller coaster  
and magic bubbles?  
Anyway Sia is like "How dare you call me sister?  
You fucking betrayed me"  
and Cheyenne is like "what betrayal?"  
and Sia yells at her at usual  
because as you already know  
girl likes yelling  
but Cheyenne is having NONE of it  
so she's like "Sis  
what the fuck are you yelling about again?  
you know what?  
let's RACE!!!"  
and she rides her magic flying wingless pony  
(remember she's Sia's sister so she might also be a princess  
or queen  
or whatever)  
and speeds up  
and Sia's like "oh shit wait"  
and chases her with her bird  
by mashing the A button  
and then Cheyenne throws some fireballs and thunderclouds at her to slow her down  
but Sia catches up no problem  
So Cheyenne is like "SIS THAT WAS FUN  
let's do that more often"  
and Sia's like "yeah after I kick Onimen's ass"  
and Cheyenne is like "oh that  
lemme help you"  
and grants Sia the power to summon her at any moment  
or rather  
a naked apparition of her  
so Sia is like "thanks  
but I'm still gotta need your army sis."  
and Cheyenne is like "the fuck  
I have an army?"  
and Sia is like "ugh whatever"

So after gathering these semi-nonexistent dudes  
Sia goes to cross this cold-ass mountain  
but she has a bird  
can't she just fly over it?  
Oh  
she still has to lead the offscreen army  
and also  
why isn't she freezing from the cold?  
Oh  
I just remembered that Sia is not human  
or maybe  
SHE'S JUST TOO HIGH  
TO FEEL ANY TEMPERATURE  
maybe we didn't get too see the army because they're just her hallucinations  
GUYS  
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?  
NOW WE HAVE A PROOF  
THAT SIA IS ACTUALLY ON DRUGS  
or maybe she's just crazy  
BUT BOTH ARE ACTUALLY POSSIBLE

uh  
anyway  
she crosses the mountain  
with her illusion legion  
and comes across this bridge  
but it is blocked by a BIG BAD WALRUS  
who apparently is missing a carpenter  
maybe he ate the carpenter  
anyway  
this walrus is BIG  
has a PAIR OF SNOWBALL CANONS  
and red eyes resembling that of a crack addict  
wait guys  
you're gonna think I'm crazy/stoned  
but I've never taken any drugs in my life  
well except paracetamol and a few LEGAL medicinal ones  
but  
I think the walrus' red eyes are due to the consumption of illicit substance  
so  
maybe the snow in the Snowy Mountain isn't snow  
but COKE/METH???  
I'm gonna rename this place  
SNOWY METHAMPHETAMINE

uh  
anyway  
the walrus is like "Did someone order meat  
I see meat"  
And Sia  
being Sia  
is like "Last chance mothafucka  
Step the fuck back"  
and the walrus is like "DAMN DINGDONG DOPE DIGGITY DUDE  
YOU'RE TOO UPPITY FOR A FOOD"  
and Sia get REAL pissed  
so she's like "that's it  
DIE"  
and she does a little ~~meth~~ magic to turn into a giant anthro-hobo known as her  
**SASQUATCH FORM**  
and proceeds to wrestle the fuck out of this walrus  
by herself  
proving once more that the army doesn't exist  
and afterwards  
Sia realizes that she can't just kick the shit out of this ocean elephant  
probably because she read a walkthrough or something  
(to be honest that's what I did)

So what she does  
is instead of pummeling the walrus  
she pummels the bridge until it cracks  
and the walrus crosses the bridge  
and the bridge breaks  
and the walrus falls  
and the walrus fucking dies  
good riddance  
but now that the bridge broke  
how can Sia cross?  
I mean  
she probably went on the other side when it's still intact  
and also she has a bird  
how about the army then?  
how will they get across?  
but it doesn't matter cause they DON'T EXIST  
and Sia's too high for consistency

So anyway  
Sia goes to her palace to reclaim her throne and kingdom and finally stop being a jailbreak hobo  
and back to being a pissy princess  
and probably get promoted to queen  
but that  
is a story for another time

TO BE CONTINUED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, guys sorry if this chapter is making you cringe. I just want to make as many drug references because it's April 20, and if you don't know, it's the day when a lot of people gather and smoke/consume marijuana. I've never smoked and taken the drug--in fact, I am against it--but that doesn't stop me from making fun of it.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~Also, it's Hitler's birthday.~~


	3. Lady Sia Strikes Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sia acquires the help of her allies (and their seemingly nonexistent army), it is now time for her to reclaim her kingdom from the clutches of the T'soas and give it a good cleaning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys here's the third chapter. I hope it cures the cringe you got from the second one.

So Lady Sia crosses the snowy-ass mountain  
And reaches Myriade  
but oh no  
looks like the kingdom is now ran by furries  
but Sia is now here to wipe them up  
WIPE THEM CLEAN

So first she goes to the forest ran by elves  
except furries are now running the place instead of elves  
so she beats up the furries and saves the elves  
destination 1: complete

next is this machine formerly ran by gremlins  
which I personally think is the most frustrating level in the game  
(the Airport one only comes second)  
buggy levers  
color-coded buttons  
annoying bunnies  
etc.  
I think the sentence that best describes this place is Sia's unused quote:  
"Wish the Gremlins had a better sense of organization."  
so yeah  
Sia goes to clean up the place for them and gets the fuck out  
destination 2: complete

and next stop is this magic library  
and Sia gets pissed cause the cheetah and spider furries are ripping the magic book stuff  
so she knocks their asses while jumping on spiderweb trampolines  
also while jumping on the spiders themselves  
LIKE THE BADASS THAT SHE IS  
and then she probably saves some of the books  
destination 3: complete

so next is SIA'S PALACE  
it's not a castle guys it's a palace  
which is just a fancy word for a fancy castle  
and since furries are all over the place  
she sneaks into a secret passage  
and knocking the furries blind  
and probably literally blinding some of them  
anyway what's important is that she finally cleaned the place free of furries  
but I guess she still has to hire extra maids to clean the blood and stuff  
but anyway  
main destination: fucking complete

so after making her kingdom furry-free  
she comes across this fox chick  
no she's not a cross between a fox and chicken  
what I mean is chick as in girl  
it's really hard to mention a boss character if the said character is nameless  
so Sia is like "You got the balls to invade my kingdom eh?  
DIE BITCH"  
and the fox chick is like "Oh you're alive  
thought Onimen fucking killed you  
cause well  
he's an asshole  
speaking of asshole  
he also killed your advisor and dressed up as him to trick you and your magic pals  
I dunno why I'm saying this cause it's supposed to be a secret  
well  
you're still gonna die"  
and Sia's like "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT  
advisor Barthes is like  
THE BEST ADVISOR EVER  
cause apparently he's my only advisor who fucking appeared in this game  
Onimen is gonna fucking pay for this shit  
I got funeral and cleaning expenses to cover  
seriously what the fuck"  
and the fox chick is like "well your shit out of luck"  
and Sia's like "OH REALLY?"  
and the fox chick is like "haha DIE!"  
and Sia turns once more into her Sasquatch form  
and the fox chick starts chucking her balls at her  
and what do you know  
the fox chick has bigger magic balls than Lady Sia  
mainly because she's got the balls to take over Sia's kingdom in the first place  
mainly because Onimen made her do it  
so Onimen's got big balls?

so anyway after throwing her balls  
she throws her zombie wolves  
and after that she flies around the room  
spinning  
and Sia knocks her ass while she's spinning  
and the fox chick tosses her balls once more  
BALLS  
WOLVES  
SPIN  
WASH  
RINSE  
REPEAT  
so after a few of that shit  
The fox chick shrinks and throws the BIGGEST BALL that she can muster  
and spins  
forgetting to throw the zombie wolves first  
maybe because she run out of that shit  
so Sia knocks her shit the last time while she's spinning  
and thus making her kingdom OFFICIALLY furry-free

and then Sia goes to Callyge  
(the place where the T'soa furries came from)  
to kick Onimen's ass once and for all  
but that  
is a story for another time

TO BE CONTINUED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a short chapter guys (just about half the standard word count which is about 1200). This one is rushed since my aunt came home from Hong Kong and there's a lot of stuff we need to talk about. Also, yesterday we went to Sira-an Hot Spring, so I had little time to brainstorm and write this.
> 
> ~~And I'm also 'busy' drawing fan art for Lady Sia.~~


	4. Onimen Uses the Standard Boss Theme Like a Wimp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lady Sia goes to the home of the T'soas to end the threat once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE'S THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

So Sia is back to being a pissy princess  
but war's not over folks  
she still needs to kick someone's ass to end it  
and that ass happens to be in this other continent called Callyge

So she flies into the continent  
and ends up into some turtle village  
and she's like "HOLY SHIT RIDABLE TURTLES  
I NEVER KNEW TURTLES ARE RIDABLE"  
so she frees the rideable non-sentient turtles  
while blasting the smaller sentient ones who are T'soas  
Cause it's not animal abuse if they're [ sentients](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Sentience)  
and T'soa rights haven't been established yet  
anyway the reason she did this is that so her 'army' can have a transportation  
cause she's still high up to this point  
look  
if you think that the drug part is over after chapter 2  
I'm sorry  
but just keep reading cause this will the last

So she and the turtles cross a sea and arrive at a seaport  
and Sia dodges some cannonballs  
and sabotages the T'soas' submarines  
because she hates furries and likes breaking stuff  
and she also breaks into various rooms in the towers  
(presumably someone's house)  
and breaks everything  
So after a while she breaks into the main submarine  
and kills the T'soa inside

So next  
she breaks into the T'soa camp this time  
seriously  
this is THE ENEMY CAMP  
where the the lot of the T'soas are gathered  
Like seriously  
it's like swimming into the [Boiling Lake](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_Lake)  
if only instead of boiling water It's composed of FURRIES  
all armed with bombs and knives  
and Sia dives headfirst into that shit  
so she can open a way for her army  
PROVING ONCE MORE THAT SHE'S STILL HIGH ON DRUGS  
maybe she does a little meth at the end of the level  
look I lied when I said that the drug part is over  
and it's not my fault if you're offended and still reading

anyway pause right there  
most of you might not get it but  
I think the T'soa Camp is the saddest level in the game  
coupled with the saddest music in the game  
I mean it's the same theme with the Fire Realm and the Gremlin's Machine  
which I don't think is sad at all  
but there's something in the T'soa Camp that's just sad  
maybe because there are T'soas here who are suicide bombers  
they're giving up their life for a cold-hearted criminal who doesn't even care about them  
and just uses them for world domination  
what I mean is that Onimen isn't just an asshole  
he's a terrible inhumane scumbag

uh  
Well yeah  
so next  
Sia bust in into the fortress itself  
by herself  
Since we already established that the army doesn't exist  
I mean I should have said this earlier but  
talk about bad tactical decisions  
which you might realize by now is no stranger to Sia  
It may even seem that her ONLY strategy is FIGHT  
bitch doesn't know when to quit  
which is admirable to be honest  
but also impractical  
and also coupled with apparent drug abuse  
no  
I don't have qualms about blatantly referencing her possible use of intoxicating substances  
you can close this tab right now and forget that you ever read this  
but for those of you who want to keep reading  
keep reading

So yeah  
she bust in into the fortress  
managed to climb a window  
and reached ONIMEN  
this is the moment you all have been waiting for  
this is final boss fight and we're going to have an epic new boss theme  
NOPE  
just the same lame-ass repetitive boss theme  
as for the character himself  
this guy is fucked up  
seriously  
what were they thinking when they drew him?  
eh whatever

anyway you know Sia is real pissy 'aight?  
well Onimen is the exact opposite of that  
in fact  
he's the exact opposite of Lady Sia  
well basically this dude's a really chill motherfucker  
when Sia comes to him he's just like "Oh hey Sia  
I didn't really expect you to come at all  
maybe I should have just killed you myself  
but that would defeat the purpose of underlings"  
whereas Sia is like "How about you try it now WHILE I RIP YOUR FACE OFF"  
and he's like "Ahahaha  
now I shall throw lame-ass taunts at you and brag about my weak-ass powers because I'm a villain"  
and she's is like "THEN BRING IT ON DICKFACE"  
and he's like 

 

WAIT

PAUSE  
THE  
FUCK  
THERE

'you will die an ugly teddy bear'?  
I'm assuming that this guy is peculiarly fond of bears  
considering that he did MAKE bear furries  
uh yeah  
but what's actually even weirder is when I compared his sprite to that of Lady Sia's  
THE PROPORTIONS ARE RIDICULOUS

either Sia's just short and Onimen's really tall  
or based on human height and age correspondence  
SIA IS STILL A FUCKING TEENAGER  
which kinda makes a lot of sense  
wait  
HOLY FUCK LEMME PUT AN UNDERAGE TAG REAL QUICK

So yeah  
I can make a list of all the weird stuff about this guy

so Sia is definitely not okay with being called an ugly teddy bear  
and turns into her sasquatch form once again to beat the crap out of this asshole-woven jerkbasket  
but Onimen is protected by a barrier  
so she can't hit him  
and what's worse is that he throws a ball at her by means of the weirdest animation in the game  
and it makes her shrink  
and he sends some rat furries to do the dirty work and maul the crap out of her  
but Sia kills the rats no problem  
and the next weak-ass attack Onimen throws at her is a brick  
but he throws it like an idiot  
cause Sia uses it to block the barrier that protects him  
giving her the ample opportunity to rip his face off  
but she can only hit him once cause he flies after that and throws his balls at her  
you know  
for someone who actually has testicles  
Onimen's got really small balls  
well unless he's a eunuch

So yeah he throws his balls at her  
but Sia dodges 'em no problem by going directly underneath him  
wait  
she has to go underneath him to dodge his balls  
...

[ ICE SIGN "ICICLE FALL" ~ EASY](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iY_e-WoVIqU)

 

So after needlessly throwing his balls  
Onimen's returns to his platform  
protected by the barrier  
oh yeah  
he actually managed to destroy the brick blocking it using his balls  
I guess they weren't needless after all

So at this point it was pretty repetitive  
Shrink  
Rats  
Brick  
Balls  
and after a few of that shit  
ONIMEN FUCKING TURNS INTO A MONSTER  
HOOOOLY SHIT  
THAT'S WHY HE WASN'T EVEN TRYING TO HIT SIA  
HE'S JUST GIVING HIMSELF ENOUGH TIME TO GET STRONGER IN ORDER TO BEAT THE EVER-LOVING CRAP OUT OF HER

WRONG

he turns into a monster and flies the fuck away  
because he's a pussy  
And Sia can't really do anything at this point because her adversary just quitted the battleroom  
so she just decided to go home and throw a party to celebrate the end of the war  
and tries to convince the other rulers to leave the furries alone because ~~they're too damn cute~~ Onimen's the real asshole  
when the shady guy fucking appears out the shadows like "hey  
how about you entrust them me instead  
cause I'm perfectly trustable"  
wait  
seriously?  
nice plot twist RFX Interactive

anyway they agreed to let the shady guy do the job  
and that's the end of the game  
and Lady Sia gets to kick more ass in the sequel  
presumably  
she gets to kick Onimen's ass for real  
and maybe we get to know who the shady guy really is  
but we won't be getting any of that shit cause the sequel was [FUCKING CANCELED](https://www.unseen64.net/2010/05/13/sword-of-sia-lady-sia-2-gba-cancelled/)  
but then  
we can asume that Lady Sia lives happily ever after

 

So the moral of the story  
is that violence may not be the answer to everything  
but sometimes it really is

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my shit, I leave in peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, shameless-plug o' clock,  
> Please contribute to the [Lady Sia Wiki!](https://lady-sia.fandom.com/wiki/Lady_Sia_Wiki)
> 
> It sucks being the only contributor, you know.


End file.
